Animated Atrocities 77/Transcript
Mr. Enter: What the holy hell!! Who- Who the hell asked for this? Who asked for anything from this franchise?! Why the fuck is this a franchise? I mean with the other things I've reviewed, it's obvious why they're franchises! It's obvious why SpongeBob and Family Guy have gone on long enough to overstay their end, but ELF BOWLING?! It started out as a flash game on the Internet that you could play for free. A bit mediocre, but nothing wretched, although nothing good enough to spawn a sequel, the sequel that is also a shuffleboarding game for some reason. And somehow, those two spawned a remake on the GBA and DS. Free games on the Internet were ported to consoles and now cost twenty bucks. Did they do anything to the games when they ported them? Yeah, they made the graphics worse!! How is this a good idea? Patrick Star, Ed, Edd, 'n' Eddy, and Peggy Hill are all looking at the guy who thought this up and laughing at him. But here's the real kicker: someone had to have bought it, because it made enough money to get a movie spin-off. Either that or this stupid flash game gets more browser traffic than Google. I mean, the estimated budget of this movie is 6.5 million dollars, which doesn't seem that insulting when you compare to Foodfight having a budget of ten times that much, but then you realize that Foodfight had ten times the budget and then you wonder: "What the holy hell are you in for?". But let's put it an even better perspective: this movie was made on less than what Mars Needs Mom's earned, the second biggest flop in the history of cinema. For that we are adjusting for inflation. I have no idea what the budget actually went into considering the state of this movie, except...maybe hiring Tom Kenny. Oh, by the way, this is, without question, the worst thing that Tom Kenny has been a part of. Nothing about this movie in its inception makes any sense. If those are anything like stockbrokers, then this is starting to make some sense. Well, fuck YOUUUUUU!!! For your sake, I hope that that's a pseudonym; I don't want to know the kind of person who put their name on this pile of shit. Movie Narrator: Ho ho! So, you think you know how Santa Claus became Father Christmas, eeh? Mr. Enter: You know, I don't fucking care! Anyway, so this wonderful Christmas movie about bowling, starts on a pirate ship! The games had nothing to do with pirates!! The first image of the movie and it already fails as an adaptation... and a Christmas movie, the two things that it was trying to do!! My God!!! Not ever the Alone in the Dark movie started out with this little of a clue...as this movie. What kind of connection is there to Christmas bowling and pirates?! If you say "this movie", I'm going to punch you. Not only do we start out with a stupid song, we see the Pirates are moving their loot. TOYS!! Pirates: Singing Yo, ho, ho on the Filthy Toe, we plunder your moms and your daddies...Oh, we steal toys from girls and boys, and sell them to the bratties... Mr. Enter: Meet Walmart's newest financial planners. Oh- and their captain is Santa Claus. I have so many questions, right now. Why is Santa a pirate? Scratch that- The captain of Pirates that are stealing toys!! That's like making Easter Bunny allergic to eggs, or making Mickey Mouse A FUCKING HIPPO!!! You've got the first detail, about the most important character in your story, completely wrong!! And we see later that they use gold! Why the fuck are they stealing toys when gold exists?! What kind of pirates are these?! If you're committing basic burglaries, why the hell would you be using a ship, the farthest place where you could be from the cities, where toys are common. Oh, they sell the toys back to the kids' parents. WHY THE HELL don't you just steal the parents' money?? That's what Pirates DO!!! And be a shit ton less pointlessly concluted. Santa Claus: And before I retire to count me booty, I have a teensy question for yours. the peanut barrel WHO POOPED in the Peanut Barrel??! Mr. Enter: Well, that is a very important question that definitely has to be answered. What I'm more pressed to wondering is why that's the best joke in the movie!!! Yes, this is the height of our humor today, a joke about pooping in the peanut barrel... Why do pirates have PEANUTS?? Some guy takes the blame, because apparently, he was sleepwalking, despite sleepwalkers never know what they did when they were sleepwalking!! Santa Claus: Now I'll be in me cabin counting me booty! Don't nobody dare disturb me! Mr. Enter: Oh God- That, that is a horribly unpleasant image I just got!... Oh god... But no, instead of doing that, Santa Claus has been feeling guilty about stealing all of the toys. Santa Claus: ... deliver to the poor wee ones' orphanage. Sign, Captain Santa Maria Clausewitz Kringle Mr. Enter: Is that your connection to pirates!!? That's the only fucking explanation you could think of...for his first name to be Santa. I'll go on about this, but Santa here decides to return the toys to an orphanage, by throwing them into the sea and hoping that his crew doesn't see them and they will, eventually, get the land and be found by the orphanage. The music says that I should be feeling something here, but I can't feel anything than my IQ training out of my ears. We get introduced to Dingle. In the game, he was apparently a failed ice salesman, here he is Santa's brother and finds a lot of value in toys, for some odd reason. No, no, I am not going back to that thought. And we apparently get to Santa's favorite game: bowling. Who would thought considering this movie is Elf Bowling The Movie and has almost nothing to do with the games!! But to be fair, that's kinda like the rest of rational humanity. We see the Dingle apparently is faking the map here. :Enter types in, downside: "No one listened to my bird when it said something was scamming me :(" Santa's Parrot: Ckaaaa!! Dingle cooked the books. Ckaaaa!! Dingle cooked the books. Mr. Enter: Okaaaay, I got some more questions. Why is Dingle fudging the figures, if he isn't getting anything out of this? Santa's the one who's taking all the earnings... I mean, despite the fact he is the villain of the movie and probably evil, why did he send his own parrot, the one who gives away the scam? He isn't shown to hate Santa and is actually a fucking pet and he's the only character not to be losing something here. Instead of having a rematch or something, the crew decides to mutiny. I don't know why, since all they really gave was gold, toys! Now, that's where the real value is. For some reason, Dingle and Santa get into a fight on the plank. How- How stupid, do you need to be, to walk into a plank of your own volition?! They don't even make a joke out of this, like they do in a classic cartoon or anything. It's just- They walk onto a plank, because that's where the plot needs them to be. But seriously, how stupid you need to be? Probably about a stupid you need to be to put toys in the ocean and hopes that they'll make it to the orphanage. Seriously, what the fuck. The rest of the crew plunges them into... icy waters? If they're in northern waters, why are they dressed like that? Why are they in icy waters? Pirates generally don't go through icy waters, they stay in the warm, tropical areas. Is anything about this movie going to make even the slightest bit of sense?!! Like the parrot following the frozen brothers, even thought the parrot apparently hates them!! What you'll notice very quickly is that the plot is very much like cartoon episodes, rather than a full-length movie. Basically, something will happen for about 10 minutes and then, it will be never mentioned again!!! As we move on to the next episode, we cut to the land of snow and elves, at the North Pole. And we get to see how bad the animation character modals are in the snowboarding scene. Reboot, the first CGI cartoon ever made with TV-grade animation looks better than this movie. Also, see how this guy's happy as he is about to faceplant in the snow? Well, in this movie, elves really like pain. Like, they really like to be in pain! The elves come across the two frozen Santa brothers having an argument, and not in the water for some reason. :Enter types downside: "The movie says he's a main character. He does literally nothing" Two of the elves say they look like hairy monsters and so the other one decides to thaw them out, because elves really like pain. I'm not even joking, one of the major plot points in the movie is that the elves enjoy being in pain. Bagger: Never thaw out monsters! Oldest trick in the book! Lex: Well stand back, cause I'm rewriting the book! :font putted Mr. Enter: Huh, Rule One of the safety Scouts manual: Never provoke Wild Animals!! "Stand back, I'm rewriting the book!". Here bear bear bear, come here beary beary bear... gets exploded :scenes putted again So get this, they figure out that Santa is the chosen one AFTER THEY DECIDE TO UNFREEZE HIM!!! Oh, and considering how bad the rest of the movie is, I don't know if this prophecy is ernest or ironic. I mean, if it looks like the any day, any minute things were written by someone else, then yeah, it would be probably be an unfunny joke instead of possibly being a really stupid plot point. Bagger: They're cracking open like boiling sea serpent eggs! Mr. Enter: What the fuck is with the pirate stuff in this movie?! No seriously, when is Santa and any single incarnation, since ever, bear even the slightest resemblance to pirates?! You know how the ground is the opposite of the sky? Well, PIRATE is the opposite of Santa!!! He gives stuff away to encourage kindness, while pirates steal things, thinking of nothing but themselves. What I'm trying to say is that the premise is kind of dead on arrival. When the potential monsters get released from their icy prisons, they're still arguing about who rigged the game. :Mr. Enter types: "Dingle had nothing to gain. Period." After the person rigging it had nothing left to gain. Oh by the way, Santa tries to kill his brother for -what was that- cheating on a game of bowling. All of the sudden, we see that the elves' magic orb has lots of powers beyond thawing someone out of chunks of ice, like making red fart clouds. Candle: Hey! I know that jig, it's a pants-on-fire Fandango!the elves start the music with their music instruments Mr. Enter: ...the fuck? No, seriously, what the fuck is this?! Santa's ass catches on fire, so they start singing a song? Even they thought he was a monster? Also, Santa here was trying to put out the fire by running around the North Pole, which is COVERED IN SNOW!! Santa knows these guys are elves because... pirates know what elves are. Bagger: Hey, you two wouldn't be pirates now would ya? Mr. Enter: Because elves know what pirates are. As we all know from history class, they are sworn enemies. It's like Cats and Dogs, except with candy canes and cannonballs. It was a very one-sided conflict. To hide the fact that Santa and his brother are pirates, they call themselves shoes salesmen. And we learn that the elves make doobelbobens, which are... toys. OK, first, toys are valuable to bloodthirsty pirates. They are more valuable than gold, so pirates steal them, to sell them, to get gold, and now toys require their own fancy work from the elves. Oh by the way, most Santa Claus origin stories explain why elves are making toys, but this one doesn't even come close. They make make toys because... well, you know what? You piece the shit of the story together. Dingle: Only with fun, will work be done?! Mr. Enter: Oh, and I can't possibly see that backfiring, ever! Like, that's got to be the number one priority in all workers' unions from now on. A machine malfunctions and Lex here uses the orb to fix it. This orb does whatever the plot wants it to because... Let's be honest here, the people behind this shit don't give a crap. And considering that Lex lives here and presumably uses the orb a lot, when he uses it, it's a reason to cheer. Apparently, the elves play with the toys and then, store them on the mountains. What.. What the... no, you know what, I'm out of fucks to give. Shenanigans, and the orb knocks over some elves that are marching in lockstep. They make ten million toys to play with and march together for no adequately explained reason. :knocked elves start cheering happily "There are several broken ribs and a severed spine, let's party!!" Lex: What the kanoodle was that? Santa Claus: It's, uh, me favorite game lad! Bowling! Uh, Elf Bowling that is! :Clips featuring Elf Bowling Spin-off games putted Mr. Enter: I don't know how they did it. I.. really don't, but they managed to make Elf Bowling sound even stupider by giving us an explanation for its creation. "Give them a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen, the depths of their stupidity knows no limits". :Clips putted again and Mr. Enter types in some symbols to make an arrow, which shows an elf with wrong eyebrows What's wrong with his eyebrows? Look like they're having a seizure! So, here's the gist of Santa's plan. While his brother wants to steal all the toys, Santa wants the elves to use their magic to make them a ship, so he can go out for revenge from the pirates. So, if you want to see a vengeful interpretation of the spirit of holiday cheer, this still isn't the adaptation for you :Night Santa Went Crazy music clip scenes putted Weird Al did this so much better. "Weird Al" Yankovic: "Now Santa's doin' time, in a federal prison, for his infamous crime! Hey little friend now, don't you cry no more tears, he'll be out with good behavior, IN 700 MORE YEARS!" :Clips putted again Bagger: Are you sure this fatso's Whitebeard? Lex: He's got the beard, doesn't he? Mr. Enter: So do half of the elves who are now... arm pit farting? OK, maybe I'm not out of fucks to give. What the fuck is this shit? The obvious future Mrs. Claus is apparently a pastry chef. Let me guess: Did she make milk and cookies? No way, that would actually require getting something about the Santa mythology right. And I can't believe someone was actually able to get Santa mythology, not only wrong, but this, FUCKING WRONG!! Santa Claus: Streudel! Ooh, why that must be me favorite dish in the whole world, lad! Mr. Enter: I think I know what's going on: the people behind this movie know exactly about Santa Claus, everything about it, but are so desperate to have their own identity upon all the other tellings, that there is literally no similarities between them and the actual Santa Claus story. And we haven't even gotten to the main plot yet. I'm three pages into my script and we haven't even gone to the meat of this crap. A shady penguin tries to sell Dingle some stolen merchandise and so Dingle hits him with a fish. Ignoring the randomness, that's going to be a running gag, by the way. When did all the other reindeer come out? 1999? Great, so these guys are rip-offs, too. Good to know. Eventually, the penguin goes with Dingle... cards, I think... and they become friends, because potatoes, potatoes wrote this movie! I don't care what the credits say, potatoes wrote this movie. The elves won't give Santa a boat because the prophecy says that Whitebeard is here to lead them, to do what I can't imagine. Lex: You give away toys, right? Well, we make toys! Santa Claus: And the point is? Lex: You can give away the toys we make to children every day of the week! Mr. Enter: Why do you want to get rid of you toys? When Santa calls children brats, and get spoiled when they deliver toys every single day, they immediately dropped the deal down to one day a year. Yes, Santa Claus called all the children of the world brats, despite sending a bunch of toys to an orphanage. :Night Santa Went Crazy music clip scenes putted "Weird Al" Yankovic: "Everyone was dying to know, oh, Santa whyyyyyy?! He used to be such a, jolly guy!" :Clips putted again Mr. Enter: And for that, he gets free room and free candy. Candle: And when it's invented, you get free cable! Mr. Enter: Apparently, elves have the ability to see into the future. And Santa agrees to go along with this. I don't know what the benefit the elves are getting from this, since they've never stated that they want to give toys to children. And Santa didn't give them the idea, even though the beginning of the movie suggested he should be the one to do so. But no, he thinks the children are brats. Lex decides to introduce the rest of the team. Lex: First, there's Rapple, who's in charge of packaging. camera goes to Rapple Rapple: rapping Yo yo, packaging a toy when the present needs wrappin', I'm the one who makes it happen, and my beat-bop tappin', and my hands keep on clappin'! Mr. Enter: No, just no. None of the jokes here even come close to funny. But the rest of them aren't even memorably bad. Dingle demands that the elves make him a ship, so Lex creates a sled, complete with reindeer out of thin air. Yeah, he has the power to create life now. Keep in mind that most sleds don't exactly have the ability to float off the icy rock that is the North Pole. Bagger: Santa, if you're gonna be in business with elves, you gotta remember this ONE important thing! "When Rappel Skiltzen wraps a package-" Mr. Enter: Oh, FUCK no. FUCK no. Bagger: "Elves better be happy, their hearts must brim with joy, for it is only a happy are laughing with him elf that is able to make toys!" Mr. Enter: This guy's singing voice feels like nails piercing my eardrums. Remember that motto from before? Yeah, elves need to be happy if they're going to work; that's the point of this three-minute ear-grating song. The entire point. Also, that capitalism and commercialism are evil, I'm not kidding. :Clips putted and Mr. Enter types in: "On the bright side, we now know why there are so many toys in Atlantis" Also, speaking of Tentacolino, this song bears a striking resemblance to Pengo's introduction song. Bagger: "Ooooh, elves better be happy, their hearts must brim with joy, for only a happy elf is contractually obligated to make toys!" Mr. Enter: You know, I only have so much suspension of disbelief, imaging if a union came to a CEO and had a contract stating that all the employees must be 100% happy or they wouldn't have to work. I don't that would end well. My god, yeah, there's a lot of bullshit pandering in this movie, like they think they need fart and ass jokes to keep any people interested in the movie. They need a lot more than that. :Enter types in: "The song is so painful, that machosadists are complaining about how much pain it's causing" This song is so bad that even the elves themselves are in pain by the end of it. Santa Claus: And so, the elves and I went on an enterprise that was destined to change ALL of history! Mr. Enter: Who the fuck is Santa talking to? He's not narrating the story and there was some narration before the movie starts and it wasn't this guy narrating. Either way, Santa and his brother are now both immortal and Dingle uses the penguins to start committing crimes against people. Why? I don't know, since he lives forever with room and board, has all the food he can eat and he doesn't need to work one day a year. Also, some of this news clips are... weird. We eventually make it to the year 2000, because nothing at all important happened in 1400 years, nothing at all. It could easily be skipped over, except maybe for one of the best Onion articles that I've ever read. After 1400 years, Santa finally built the elves their own bowling alley. It took them almost a millennium and a half to make a place to play his favorite game. This scene is borderline pointless by the way. And after all this time, Santa finally kicks Dingle out of his house, despite not even asking his opinion on the deal that kept him stuck in the North Pole for all of forever. Dingle has one week to find himself a place to live. Welcome to the next episode! Yeah, has apparently become the leader of the penguins, and he's going to use them to cheat Santa out of the North Pole. I'm going to spare you from the absolutely terrible jokes from the scene. We then cut to Santa bowling and... :Enter types in some symbols to make an arrow, which shows a "PENGWEISER, the king fish of beer" label That's some really clever product placement. I'm sure the seven-year-olds watching this movie are dying to get themselves a Budweiser, like- seriously, who the FUCK was this movie made for?!! It's not for fans of the video game, it gets all the details wrong!! It's not a good Christmas movie, it gets all the details wrong! It's not a movie for adults, because of the sheer stupidity of it and if this is anything to go by, it's not a movie for kids, either. We figure out that the toy count is off by six billion units and Lex was in charge of it. Instead of being a plot to have Santa firing Lex, Dingle immediately challenges Santa to a bowling match to take control the North Pole. I don't see how these points connect. Santa has absolutely nothing to gain from this bowling match, so the most logical thing to do is accept the challenge. I'll spare the details, the terrible puns and the TV parodies, and get this done quickly. Two of the penguins switch places with two of the elves, and nobody seems to notice...until they find the hostages in the back of the alley. Dingle doesn't get punished for this, so this entire scene was 100% pointless. :Clips putted Think of it this way: Tentacolino was so stupid and batshit insane, but almost every scene spit out the gum they call the plot. That doesn't happen here. :Clips putted again Dingle: ... Are there any questions? Penguin #2: Look boss, I can do your mom! Mr. Enter: Hilarious!! Maybe you could teach then junior high school or something about not a humor. Although first, you have to get them to stop calling everyone else 'gay' as an insult, while being obsessed with dicks at the same time! To describe his next plan, Dingle sings a song. Does anyone want to hear Tom Kenny sing intentionally bad in his raspiest possible voice?! Nooo? Good, that means that you have a braaain!! Oh by the way, the rest of the movie has absolutely nothing to do with pirates, but they keep tossing around pirate lingo. The crew from beginning is literally never mentioned again. Santa Claus: Christmas is in two weeks and we're still short 6 BILLION TOYS! Mr. Enter: That was literally the entire world population in the year 2000. How can you be behind the entire population of the entire world, unless you set on your ass and did nothing all year!! Bagger: flashback "Ooooh, elves better be happy, their hearts must brim with joy, for only a happy elf is contractually obligated to make toys!" Mr. Enter: Oh yeah, the elves motto!! They can only work if they're having fun! The candy cane machine goes crazy because of Dingle and the penguins drop gunpowder disguised as baking powder into Lex's hand. This argument gets Lex to quit. Yeeah, and now they have to repair workshop and make six billion extra toys without the help of the magic orb. I swear, everyone in this movie is complete and utter idiots. Dingle tricks Santa into thinking that Lex walked out into the ice. And being one of the movie's idiots, he believes his brother, who tried to cheat his job away. Then, the penguins swim to an underwater entrance to the workshop control room. Why the fuck do they have an entrance under water? It was literally...just established that being on the ice and water is dangerous. This is used to sabotage the workshop, while Santa is stranded on an iceberg. Santa Claus: OoohooooooooooohoooOOOOOOOHH! gets frozen Mr. Enter: Ever seen voice acting animation so bad that you don't know if it's in slow-motion or not? Anyway, the workshop blows up and leave Santa frozen in ice. Since there's only two weeks until Christmas, it's safe to say that Christmas has been cancelled. Also, bowling pins somehow randomly and conveniently fall into a perfect skull and crossbones shape. This is literally never mentioned again. And the final straw is a note. Lex: down the paper The partnership is over! gets surprised Mr. Enter: Don't you guys have a contract or something? I don't think you're allowed to do that... Huh, so they do. Since they can't have fun, they decide to go on strike. Dingle: Well, since everything is in cinders and since Santa's flown the coop, how's about we use a little bit of that elf magic, and build us a new joint, in the funnest place on Earth! Mr. Enter: Aw, shit, we're going to Disney World! No, actually, the rest of this Christmas movie takes place in Fiji! Dingle: "Oh Fi-Fi-Fiji, where the bikinis are so teeny weeny!" Mr. Enter: Please, stop singing. Ju... jus... just stop, I revoke your right to do any musicals. I'd rather listen to Mr. Black and Mr. White from Johnny Test sing about Fiji than you. Speaking of that, I don't know why Dingle wants to go to Fiji. The pirates from the beginning are all fucking dead now. Never said they wanted to go there, Dingle never said that he wanted to go there, the penguins don't want to go there, because they probably die there, but the elves decide to completely relocate there despite, you know, only having two fucking weeks until Christmas. Look, that seems like a lot of time, trust me. But before you know it, it'll get to the point where you're just starting a project like the day after it's due. Happens to me all the time, not that this video being late has anything to do with that whatsoever. By the way, the rest of this movie is a testament to why the central conflict of this movie can't exist. You know, what would happen if your workers could only work if they were having fun? Flight Attendant: Tonight's movies in elf-class will be Gremlins are cheering, Gremlins 2 are cheering again, and Grizzly Adams start to disapprove that movie and the Bum-O-Meter falls to Mega Bummer! Mr. Enter: Oh, like you're really in a place to judge. At least you're not watching Elf Bowling The Movie!! So, Dingle starts talking about his evil plan, with an open door right behind him to all the elves he's duping, and... Dingle: it would be somewhere in the upper billions. woman sitting near the elves listen to him and her eyes turn into gold dollar symbols Mr. Enter: Who the- Who the fuck are YOU? We're fifty...minutes...into an hour and a half movie! It's TOO LATE to establish main characters! That's right! She's a main fuckin' character! Like, I don't even know what to say, I've never seen a movie try to establish a main character this far in. Not even something that's already planned to be a series. Not even in the worst movies that I've ever seen! Chicken Little: all the main characters are in the story ten minutes in, Tentacolino: same deal, Jack & Jill, Master of Disguise, The Last Airbender, even the fucking Garbage Pail Kids movie knew that! Like, maybe, just maybe if it was an Arthouse film or there was some kind of weird twist, but this doesn't even come close to having that distinction. This is, literally, the most incompletent movie writing that I've ever seen. And the character they shoehorned into this movie is nothing more than a gold digger. That is literally it. We don't even get an explanation of why she was flying from the North Pole to Fiji. She just says that she has a personal resort in Fiji, but that doesn't explain why the fuck she was in the North Pole. And as you look in the islands here, you can see the true potential of the PlayStation One. No way, the PlayStation One looks better than that. God-dammit, the Super Nintendo can create better-looking vistas than that. Veronica: Oh Dingy-Wingy swoons, feast your eyes on your new workshop! Mr. Enter: Was there a level in Elf Bowling that took place in Fiji? Chief Manamotom: Well anyways, greetings officially, I am Chief Manamotom. Mr. Enter: He says as they set up workshop in that woman's resort. Oh, they do have a resort and they conga there. And why the fuck they have a chief? Is this a tribal village or tropical resort?! It can't be both. ...the fuck? While they're all celebrating, we cut to Santa Claus, who was finally saved by Mrs. Claus. She being there, warms his heart so much that he thaws out. I'll remember that, next time I run out of fire arrows. All I gotta do is hug the ice!! Santa is about to give up, but his wife talks him out of it. Grizzelda Claus: It vasn't chance that brought you to the elves like a...frozen fishstick! Mr. Enter: Right, some pirates were sailing through the Arctic, when their captain fell over, got frozen, and floated off to the North Pole, randomly. That wasn't chance at all, it was plot convenience. Grizzelda Claus: It vas deshtiny. Santa Claus: Destiny. Mr. Enter: Right, destiny. It's my destiny to randomly get 1 million dollars. What does destiny have to do with this movie?!! :Enter types in: "*Fiji" Santa decides to go to the North Pole and he leaves his wife to die on the iceberg he was frozen on. Not even joking, he just straight up leaves her on that hunk of ice, without the sled she used to get there. Santa Claus: off to Fiji I'll send a cab for ya, Grizzie! Ho ho ho! Mr. Enter: In order to get the office working, Dingle tricks them inside some sort of fun house. And when he sees Lex, the only elf who could possibly stop an evil plan, Dingle locks him outside. It's revealed to be a sweat shop, where all the elves immediately get hypnotized, because, yeah... Why not throw hypnotism into the movie? Lex immediately breaks into the building. Lex: Bagger, Candle?! Snap out of it! Mr. Enter: Yeah, if you keep working, we might actually be on time for Christmas!! Turn him towards the wheel, turn him towards the wheel, turn him towards the wheel!! You- You're an idiot. Dingle: What invoices? Veronica: Well sweetie-kins, I thought we would bill the children for their Christmas presents. Mr. Enter: OK, most kids don't have any money, unless toys are still currency, like they were at the beginning of the movie, and if that's the case, why the fuck are you giving them away?! Lex falls through the Chief's house and when a piece of roof is about to kill the Chief, he discovers the magic was inside him all along. I...I don't get. The Chief called the orb an ornament earlier, but... Why now all of a sudden does Lex have magic powers? After he needed to use an orb for at least 1.400 years? Oh yeah, plot convenience!! When Santa finally gets to Fiji, Dingle makes some statues come to life. These are supposed to be the typical comic relief in mediocre Shrek rip-offs. Seriously, at the 45 minute mark, did they get bored with the movie they were making, but didn't want to make all the assets necessary to start over completely? Because this is an entirely different movie from the first half. Santa tries to fight Dingle, but it's kind of a curb stomp battle, with the orb and two statues. Santa Claus: You can't do this to me! I'm an international celebrity! Mr. Enter: You do know what the tabloids are, right, Santa? Santa Claus: It's the truth, I tell yous! Google me name ya swab and you'll see it a billion gazillion times! :in Google 'Santa Maria Clausewitz Kringle' image putted Mr. Enter: Search results for 'Santa Maria Clausewitz Kringle' finds five results complaining about Elf Bowling The Movie and the next result's about a golf course. Lex manages to find Santa. Santa Claus: It was you who made me realize the truth, that I didn't need to be ashamed to be making toys, giving happiness to all the children of the world. Mr. Enter: OK, we don't have any time for this sappy monologue. Also, I don't think that any incarnation of Santa should have to learn that. Moai Statue #1: This is like a chic flick, except instead of smokin' babes, dude, it's a munchkin and a fat guy! Mr. Enter: Yeah, one with ass jokes, Budweiser advertisements, and armpit farts. Surely this movie has something for everyone! The rock almost randomly decides to free Santa and I remember that I'm still shocked the fucking orb can create life! Why don't they use it to make more workers, if they were that far behind? We cut to Dingle's sweatshop, where the elves are given freedom and fun, they ended up with six billion toys and now that Dingle literally has them enslaved, they are on schedule! This is why we need to think through our implications before we write things down! And, of course, Dingle's going to earn six trillion dollars by monetizing Christmas. It's almost like a propaganda piece by evil CEOs about the benefits of suppressing the working class. But that'd be absolutely ridiculous. That people who made this movie aren't evil, they're just idiots. But could you imagine if that was really the purpose of this movie? Santa and Lex are trying to sneak into the sweatshop. The chief helps them by playing a bongo drum, causing the fire girl from before to pop out. This distracts the statue guy who wants to get his rocks off. Also, the first time that I watched this, I though it was the stone guy who freed Santa before, and then I realized from the biggest reasons you should never have two characters that have the exact same character model. Even twins in cartoons usually have something to set themselves apart. Santa and Lex go right through the statue's line of sight and into the building. To save the elves, they pull a lever which reverses the hypnotism. Santa Claus: Look! Mr. Enter: Yes Lex, look at the hypnotic spinning wheel you have seen many times in the past and not gotten affected by, for some reason. This manages to save all the elves from the hypnosis. Also, there's a date rape joke. Candle: Huh, how come my underwear's on backwards? Mr. Enter: And they decide to go after Dingle. Lex: Dingle tricked us! Santa Claus: He's trying to steal Christmas from right under our noses! Mr. Enter: Didn't Dingle help you guys into get back on schedule by breaking through your stupid mantra? I mean, honestly, Dingle's like the most helpful bad guy, ever. Dingle steals the sleigh, but Santa stows on board. Mrs. Claus comes...by cab...to meet Dingle's gold digger girlfriend. They have a fight scene that looks like it was made by wiring limbs in the air, and this ends with Mrs. Claus feeding her strudel, and this amazingly important character that they realize they need 50 minutes in is totally incapacitated. Since Santa's going to have trouble fighting Dingle, Lex uses the force gets the orb to electrocute Dingle. Why? Dingle falls into a position where if Santa gets blasted, they both fall. So, Dingle decides to challenge Santa to bowling, again. I can't see how this could possibly go wrong! I mean, Dingle cheated the last time and he has been doing absolutely nothing about being sneaky and underhanded the entire movie. Santa Claus: I accept! But this time, it's SUPER ELF BOWLING! Mr. Enter: Somehow, I don't think we're going to have a repeat of Super Mario Bros. 3 with that one. I'll remind you guys once again, the Christmas is in less than fifteen minutes and a game of bowling can last about an hour. Rapple: Yo, Lex, it's the only one! And it's brother against brother for the Christmas purse. I mean bag. I mean sack! I mean box! I mean- well you know what I mean! Lex: Rapple, now our first contestant steps up to bowl for the whole enchilada! Rapple: Enchilada? I thought we was bowlin' for Christmas! Mr. Enter: I didn't mention this before, but this character can be seen as very racist. As for the game, what do you expect? Dingle continues to cheat, and no one notices any of his underhanded tactics. Santa doesn't even realize that he's holding a fucking bomb. Lex: Ladies and gentlemen, I can't believe this, but... Dingle actually wins?! Mr. Enter: And since he's a notorious cheater, we're not going to do any further examination into this fact. That is until the Chief randomly proves that Dingle is a cheater by using his remote and widescreen television. What the fuck?! What is even the point of this character? Also, this calls into question: how do you know that Dingle was the one who cheated before? I mean, no one ever said that he was the one who tied up the elves and put the penguins in their place. So the penguins get launched on fireworks, presumably to their death! Dingle gets a rocket in his ass and launches into space, where he'll explode due to the lack of oxygen, despite making Christmas an actual success. Santa Claus: Ready for takeoff! And we've made it just in time thanks to you lad! Mr. Enter: What exactly did either of you to do to get the six billion toys made in two weeks? Oh, that's right, nothing!! They rebuild the workshop in the North Pole with Lex's god powers. Rapple: Man, we could use that in Detroit! Mr. Enter: But I thought you lived in the North Pole with the other elves. Whatever, let's have the movie on a racist note. :Clips putted and Mr. Enter types in: "I'm gonna show you clips from the trailer because it's ever funnier now that you know what's in the movie" And that was Elf Bowling: The Movie and my God, it was one of the worst pieces of shit that I've ever seen, like, EVER!! I think it's worse than Tentacolino. Whyyy?? Because Tentacolino was so bizarre that it managed to get my attention, wondering what the next thing would throw at me. Here, though, it's not bizarre enough to be interesting. Also, Tentacolino was originally in Italian and a bad translation may have been the cause of some of the weirdness. This movie was made in English; there's no excuse. The animation here is worse. Tentacolino wasn't in the ballpark of Disney, but at least the models weren't offensive to look at. Nothing makes any sense, and despite putting no effort into everything, they had the gall to think that they were going to make a sequel. I'm done; happy New Year.